Anticipation.

I tried writing, so many times, but what to say? We’re closer now than ever before, the due date is mere days away, nine to be persist. Nine days, what can be done in nine days? The whole world can change, as we’ve learnt, in the blink of an eye. Nine days, both agonisingly far away and terrifyingly close. Here we go. And then! Of course! It could all happen this evening, tomorrow morning, tomorrow evening. The whole experience will begin and will end, and in coming to its natural end the whole world starts again. Conscience created, the play button pressed. Strap in, kid. It’s your turn now. (Speaking to myself or the child?).

And so what have I been doing, these last few weeks. I’ve been in my head, a whole lot more than i’d like to have been. Worrying about worries, imagining the worst, of myself and the world. For what reason, I don’t know. It’s habitual, habits tend to feel comforting, even the most uncomfortable of them. I have been, at points, low. And in these moments I am of little use to anybody. At least it certainly feels that way. And I’m sure it’s not entirely true. I don’t sit, slack-jawed and drooling, dead to the world. It’s not like that. It’s a shortening of the fuse, a tendency to only see things negatively. But isn’t it true? That through darkness we find light. I certainly find, that at some point, I’m so fed up with the amount of darkness that I’ve been digging through that I start, more actively than usual, to look out for the light. Of which, I am pleased to report, there is plenty.

It can feel a little sticky at times, when you’re consciously trying to outmanoeuvre the go-to-negativity, in real time. But it works. And so whilst, yes, I have been feeling low. I have also been experiencing real light and real growth.

It is worth acknowledging that i’m not at all surprised by my having felt low. I am stood, looking out over an unknown ocean watching winds of change build and wrestle their way closer by the day. I can almost feel it now, the wind licking at my cheeks. I won’t fight you, change. Just please don’t be surprised when you reach me and find me sensitive. Anticipation is one hell of a trip.